Take Me As I Am

I’m 20 years old and I’m sitting beside my mom’s pool, the pool I’ve swam in since I was eight, crying. After some of the tears subsided, I thought about why I’ve been feeling so terrible and lonely and sad since coming home for the summer. 

Summers used to mean a time of joy; a time to relax and have fun. When I was younger it meant that I would try and spend every waking moment swimming in my pool, enjoying the water, and just being a kid. But now, here I was crying beside it not feeling any sort of joy. It was a relief to finally let those emotions out but the problem still exists.

The problem is that I have no idea where I fit in anymore. I’m at the awkward transition of life where home isn’t the place I grew up, but rather its where I spend my time, where I’m surrounded by my friends, and where I want to start my adult life. Azusa, California is where I consider home now. I miss the place and the people so much my heart aches. Coming to that realization has been tough because I’ve realized that I’m not the only person who thinks this way.

I don’t fit in with my family anymore. I’m starting to notice the cracks in my family’s foundation and its apparent that they don’t quite know where I fit in anymore either. I’m a guest in their eyes. I actually think that my Dad resents me a little bit for going to school in California anyways and its been made clear that since I wanted to go far away for school then thats how it’ll be. I’m not even invited on the family vacation. So thats cool. I feel like a stranger just passing through somedays and the only reason why I’m being put up with is so I can earn money in order to return to my far away place in the fall. And I’m angry about that. This shouldn’t be how it feels to come home. 

In the two years that I’ve been out of high school I’ve changed. Everyone has to some degree, or so I’m assuming. So its been difficult to figure out where I fit in with friends now too. I could easily go back to being the person I was in high school and hang out with the same people and do the same things. It would be so freaking easy. I’m just not sure if thats who I am anymore or if I want it to be. But of course, no one here understands that. And then the friends I have made back at school are so far away now and in a different time zone so nothing is the same anymore. 

At first glance, nothing changes in this town but then when you look a little deeper everything seems so different. 

I just don’t fit in. 

There have been days lately where I don’t want to get out of bed. I mentally cannot get myself out of bed. I just don’t see the point. There won’t be a point until I figure out where I belong this summer. That kinda scares me- Its depressing realizing that you don’t see the point in anything and simple things become incredibly difficult to do. My life seems to be on pause for a moment. Everything was so wonderful at APU and I’m a little disappointed that I had to put it on pause and come back here for the summer, which I realize makes me sound like a jerk. I don’t want to be that person who complains. I just had high expectations this summer but now they’re crumbling all around me and I don’t know how to handle it.

Are the Summer Blues a thing? Because I think I might have them. 

My faith in Jesus has nothing to do with religion. Jesus is bigger than religion. My religion is just how I choose to practice my faith.